Hallelujah Questions

At every point,
That I have turned,
I have been disappointed,
As I struggle to comprehend,
How I end up this way,
Searching and not finding,
Leads to problems of the spirit and the soul,
As Leonard Cohen,
Tugs at my heartstrings,
As picturesque and subtle beauty,
Only comes in black and white,
And the only word I can spare,
Is Hallelujah?

At every point,
Of this tragic life,
I have pushed on,
Searching,
Seeking,
Figuring out,
What I know,
And what I don’t,
Knowing that the latter is winning that battle,
Returning still to the faint hope,
Of the sun as it reaches a cross,
Just as it has in my life.

At every point,
I have reached toward the heavens,
Spiritual and not religious,
As I thrash about,
Again,
Cohen beckoning me to believe,
Something,
Just not sure what,
Nor is he.

At every point,
I have found,
That I am lost,
Wandering list fully,
Attempting to know,
That which refuses to be known,
In a useless quest,
That will only leave me,
Hanging.

At every point,
One way here,
Another way there,
Lonely and yet surrounded,
Again,
The clouds,
My tears reveal,
And again,
Leonard pulls me back,
A giant,
Pulling out of me,
Everything I have left,
But can I show it?
Did he?

At every point,
Loathing saves for when I love,
For who I love,
Is like an angels choir,
Many voices united,
In prayer,
But to who or what,
Is not so clear,
And if it were would it still be so majestic?

Leonard says he’s done his best,
And I know he has,
Tried,
As I have,
To begin the process,
Of healing,
And yet,
For us both,
It is vain,
That we wait for something we’ll never know,
At least not in this life,
Could we?

At every point,
Hallelujah,
My cross screaming out to be seen,
Wanting to be felt,
Longing to be known,
For what I am,
For who I am,
For when this life is over,
My words will remain;

Hallelujah!

SDM

Sounding Board

A sounding board revealed,
I contain my own melancholy,
Through a divine inspiration,
That you provide.

The music of my soul,
Uplifting,
At least to me,
As I can see the corner,
And soon turning I will,
Find the answer,
For what I seek.

A sounding board revealed,
I have been discreet,
With feelings that have torn at my flesh,
Leaving wounds that none but I can see,
Deep inside,
The vacuous fighting the emotions,
Raw.

The magic of this moment,
One note at a time,
As I know,
That soon I will see a shining light,
That even I cannot sully.

A sounding board revealed,
I know I’m in trouble,
Like a little school boy,
Beaten but not broken,
Looking into the future,
Blinded.

Knot so Funny!

In this world,
I see endless struggle,
And feel for those that are caught in the crossfire,
Which of course we all are,
In the end.

I have found meaning,
In attempting to explain my position,
Making it clear,
That I am here,
For you?

I have lost meaning,
At points when I am low,
Where I struggle to be,
What I know I was meant,
To be.

My Buddha beads,
On my wrist,
Counting my blessings,
Knowing that the curses,
Must end.

My stomach in knots,
As scatterbrained,
I continue down a path,
That few travel,
But all must find.

SDM

Ghosts of the Past

My revolution,
Began the day I was born,
January 11, 1975,
A child of the light,
Through my youth,
The intense,
Scattered my thought,
From war to war, revolutionary to revolutionary.

In them I found a simple kindness,
Something that perhaps,
None other saw.

My revolution began,
When I opened my eyes to the world around me,
Unhappy with its displeasure,
I retreated,
Into words,
My private surrender,
To that which was not right.

In my revolution,
I sought friends,
Quiet ghosts,
That had long been done,
Asking them questions,
Of what to do.

Che,
Always on my mind,
As he had given up comfort,
As I wish I could,
For still I am comfortable,
In my revolution.

Che,
The romantic notions aside,
Gave freely of his soul,
For all people,
Longing to create a better world,
And doing it the best way he knew how,
Which doesn’t mean that it was necessarily right.

Che came to me,
Perhaps as young as thirteen,
When in my adolescence I related,
To something that I could empathize with,
I found simple kindness,
In his advance,
Toward a more just society.

In Korda’s vision,
Che has been immortalized,
Iconic now,
So that kids where his image,
Without paying the price,
If understanding the 5 w’s of him,
Which even now elude me,
At least in part.

In my revolution,
When my skin touched those storied sands,
Where Americans played restless,
Fast and loose,
With a people so beautiful,
It is where I long to be,
Hemingway knew it,
And my revolution found a home.

Che,
What could you have done,
Knowing the full extent,
Of what you did,
I wonder what you would think of now,
As you are a Ghost from the Past,
That many would prefer erased,
Where I would prefer,
To see your revolution embraced,
With words.

SDM

Unreasonable

Revalacion,
As my Algeria holds fast to truth,
Rewards me,
With a clever phrase,
Or a not so subtle word,
My passion tied,
To a sense of reason,
Absolutely unreasonable,
For my life,
My crazy vida,
Must stop being a vida of pain,
Loosened from trustees,
By Leonard Cohen,
Calling me,
As everybody knows,
Except me.

SDM

My Secret Garden

In my secret garden,
The flowers speak to me,
Begging me for sunshine and rain in equal parts,
They ask me to nourish my soul,
With their fragrant rebellion,
Singing Hallelujah,
With every step I take toward them.

In my secret garden,
There are bees at every turn,
Sucking nectar from my talking flowers,
And each wish me a good day,
In proper English style,
Tilting their antennae,
Pointing the way,
For me to advance.

In my secret garden,
A snake,
Less that subtle,
Tempts me to eat the fruit,
And angrily shouts,
When I say the same thing each day,
I will not submit.

In my secret garden,
The cobblestones,
All giggle with delight when barefoot I walk over them,
Each saying that today is a new day,
Can you feel the suns blessings on your flesh?

In my secret garden,
The poisonous venom,
That tried to eat away my soul,
Now becomes the fall of rain,
That pleases my not so secret friends.

SDM

Numb Offense

Perhaps,
I think to myself,
In circuitous logic,
And irrational circles,
That my defense,
Was in fact an offense,
To all that was reasonable,
As bruised,
I discovered that I was alive,
The pain so pungent,
That it stung my nose,
Like a rotten egg,
Or a decomposing corpse,
Finding that I was alive,
I had no choice,
Kicking and screaming,
In those infinite circles,
Circles infinitely,
Tugging at my soul,
That I had to fight back,
As demons tried to rob me,
Like a thief in the night,
Coming at all hours,
Sending shivers down my spine,
But I did not give in,
For though numb,
I found,
Peace,
Finally.

SDM

Dylans Echo

The wind blows,
As I hear Dylan and my times are changing,
And keep me tangled up in blue,
Though the sunshine breaks the monotonous despair,
Allows my dream,
Floating free,
finding the strength,
To finally allow myself,
What for so long was true,
But avoided,
As the knocks on the door of my own sanity echoed,
I had no choice,
But to submit,
Give myself the generous permission to visit darkness,
Visions,
As Dylan says creeping,
As I gasp for air,
And acknowledge I must take it,
One day at a time.

SDM

Personal Odyssey

As I stare out into the abyss,
I consider,
Patiently,
Yet hurriedly at the same time,
The language of my own discontent,
My mother tongue if you will,
Finding that the universe keeps sending me to the fatherland,
To consider,
That which dares not be considered,
Stepping back from the abyss,
I discover again and over again,
That words are my language,
Regardless of their romanticism,
And I delight in that,
My personal odyssey,
Messy and unconstrained.

SDM

Snork

As I gargle words,
Like a juggler juggles knives,
I discover that a snork,
Can be as moving as a belch,
I catch a whiff,
Of my own stink,
Called passion.

SDM

Engage

Red,
Stop now,
Yellow,
A cautionary tale,
Green,
Go write you fool,
It is an inextricable part of you,
And that’s okay,
Its better than ok,
It is what you are meant to be,
Red,
Stop lounging in desolation,
For your superfluous gifts,
Are calling out,
Engage.

SDM

Inspire -

I seek sunshine,
In the place of darkness.

I take chances,
For I know not what else to do.

I seem change,
Because stagnation is death.

I long for adventure,
Because I have wanderlust.

I want to inspire,
You to be who you are.

SDM

Daily Spell - Double Entendre For Lavinia

A waterfall of my mind,
Drenches to the bone,
Where inside me I feel a beast at work,
That presents itself,
In every moment,
By an uncontrollable urge to write.

Peering through,
The window to my soul,
You must find me equal parts,
Maddening,
Saddening,
Enlightening,
And free.

Smudging my own ego,
With peppered dismissal,
Of what I have so close to the surface,
I penetrate my soul,
To profess my sanity,
If only to myself.

I will be free,
I will soar,
I will become,
I will be,
I know I am,
I know I can,
I know I should,
I know I will,
My daily incantation,
Uplifting and fearfully true.

With mucho gusto,
I know I have let go,
Finding equal parts,
Of me.

SDM

Off the Rails!

Both literally and figuratively true,
I have found myself,
Off the rails.

My life,
On a tragic crash course,
Disaster,
And it all was caused,
By a lack of truth.

Truth,
Glorious truth,
The full surrender to self,
Righting the past,
Writing the past and future,
Off the rails.

An upward spiral,
Now finds me,
As I discover self,
One second at a time,
Free.

No longer railing or reeling,
Against a torment,
That has haunted my past,
And shaken my future,
I have found solace.

In your love and light,
I have found,
Purpose,
Destiny and stared fate in the eye,
Restless and wandering.

Friends,
Revealing themselves,
In a beautiful truth,
Glorious truth,
That is the lubrication,
For my renewal.

Off the rails,
I have discovered,
That my destiny,
Is not a straight line,
Or a white one.

Off the rails,
Life begun anew,
An upward struggle,
To self,
I will be true,
As you have been,
To me.

SDM

Photo by Erika Van Dam

Amorphophallus Titanium,

Avenging my own unrelenting despair,
I and I,
In the same moment of space and time,
Looking on myself from the outside,
Purging toxic stress,
Leaving me rattled and shaken,
Yet I know,
Each day… survival is the name of the game.

Presupposing that I was meant,
To feel this pain and suffering,
That it was mine by birthright,
Not knowing what is in store,
Though knowing that it involves words,
Words from you,
That propel me on.

These words,
To you may seem nothing more,
Than something which defines life,
But to me,
A word is power,
An unnerving power that rattles my cage,
And causes,
Sobering thoughts.

Introspective,
And reclusive,
I sit in the darkness,
Pondering a world I’ve left behind,
And a new world,
Unfurling right before my eyes,
Like,
Amorphophallus titanium,
Ravishing to be sure.

Diligent,
You have honoured me,
And I in turn,
Honour you,
Acknowledging those imperious,
But leaving them,
Behind,
As I go forward,
Will you come with me?

SDM

Survivor Butterfly - For my New Friend Tisa

Sweet and innocent Tisa,
I empathize with your current struggle,
Though I can hardly know your pain,
Nor your journey,
Yet,
In this time of renewal,
I know that you will see,
These healing words,
That you will feel their warmth,
Despite our not knowing each other,
Until now,
Blessed to be a part of your struggle,
I so too know,
That you can draw strength,
From this compassion,
And fully realize,
That life is a journey,
And not a destination,
That your life is destined for greatness,
Further allowing yourself,
The beauty of a spiritual light,
To ignite the flame of your own surrender,
To hope,
The beauty of life,
Not always as we planned it,
Nor as we want it,
Yet in our acceptance,
Of the many gifts that come when we most need them,
We together discover,
The triumph of will,
In so doing,
Realizing the full power,
As a survivor,
Reborn,
As a fluttering butterfly,
Found in the breeze,
Sweet and innocent Tisa,
Catch the wind,
And soar,
With me,
Into your bright future.

SDM

Beyond...

As I transfer sadness for joy,
Pain for light,
Anguish for love,
I find energy,
Beyond,
Feverous as I devour,
Words,
From far and wide,
That pulls me from my disability,
Into a world of possibility,
And hope,
Unearthing an extraordinary design,
That plucks me from the monotonous cycle,
Of hellish decent,
Filling me with my sense of purpose,
Renewed.

SDM

Just a Tree?

As I walked down a street,
With nothing to offer,
But grey and drab,
My mind wandered,
And then,
As sudden as my birth,
I saw before me what seemed,
At the time,
Like the most beautiful tree I had ever seen,
Perhaps it was the change of scenery,
Or maybe,
Just maybe,
It was a beacon,
Of fuchsia and white,
Begging me out of depression,
Asking me to spring into me,
I wonder.

SDM

Found in Buddha - Lost in Thought

Today,
In light of all kinds of bad news,
I found a strength,
That allowed me to dare,
I collected thought,
Buddha,
In beads,
Friendship in amount I never thought possible,
New and old,
I swear by the light of the moon,
That the way you care,
Has shown me,
That I must dare to live,
To go on,
Regardless of whether life is fair or not,
I owe it to you all,
And I am now aware.

Comandante SDM

1000 Words

I’d asked for five,
And in your generosity you gave me 1000 or more,
I look at the shadows cast,
And envy your children.
For when they grow older,
They will rejoice,
In the beautiful spirit that is their mother,
Who so flawlessly captured the moments in life,
Tender,
Sublime,
Blissful,
Splendid Moments,
That I wish I had,
As I fall deeper into your shadows,
I see a glimpse of all of us,
In the implied curiosity,
And the gentle wisdom,
Of your kids at play,
I’d asked for five,
And 1000 more flood my consciousness,
As I consider,
Exactly what they are pondering,
And I know,
That in their innocence,
I can,
For a fleeting moment,
Rejoice,
In their splendor!

SDM

Nigh

Angst ridden,
I consider my own random repression,
Needless,
And for what,
To please masters never pleased,
For grist that never satisfies,
Transparent,
I reveal more in a minute,
Than a lifetime of unsatisfying or fulfilling work,
Wouldn’t you agree?

The road to my recovery,
Twists and turns,
Pushes and pulls me in directions,
I’d never imagined,
Much less considered,
As I realize the value of a system,
That could never be,
Leaving me,
Lost and found,
In stoic consideration,
Philosophy be damned,
My time,
Is nigh.

SDM

Global Warning

The pyramids were a warning,
A dire warning that none of us listened to,
That of a society,
A civilized society,
That will consume itself,
It was true of Egypt,
Rome and Great Britain,
Pax, Pax, Pax,
And now is true of the United States,
My attitude unshaken,
As I ponder the world the way I’d like it to be,
Rather than the way it is,
Though I must smile,
As prescient knowledge is given to few,
Who heed the warnings.

SDM

For ALM - With Thanks

My own invasion of Poland,
Was crossing from Czech by car,
On my way to one of the most endearing cities,
I have ever been,
In Wroclaw,
In the city centre,
I crossed the river and marveled,
At the raw brilliance of a city,
Destroyed by war and flood multiple times,
Rebuilt by the passion of the people,
Brick by brick,
Precisely.

Wanting to see Westerplatte,
But short of time,
We had to choose,
Picking our battles,
So as to see the most we could,
Zakopane also not in the cards and Warsaw,
We could not find the time.

I was on a mission,
One I have had since childhood,
One that brought us to the Jewish Quarter,
Of Krakow,
And then to Oswiecim,
A part of me never returning home with us,
As I witnessed,
First hand,
What industrial slaughter of a people looks like,
Falling to my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks,
I will never forget,
The man,
That sweet old man,
Who rushed to my side,
Extended his hand,
And called me brother,
As he lifted me back up again,
Our eyes meeting,
And in an instant,
There was no need for words,
Not there,
Not then,
We’d never meet again,
But my faith in humanity,
Though shaken,
Was restored,
By the simple action,
Of a beautiful man.

SDM

What are friends?

True friends are there;
Whether you are up or down!

Real friends are there,
To say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way,
And even when they don’t,
They still try.

Real friends stand by you,
When you face,
The fire-breathing dragon of life,
And help you stare it down,
With a warm hug,
And a knowing wink.

My friends,
My real friends,
True friends,
Have stood firm,
Holding the line of my own sanity,
Though razor thin,
And aid me as together,
We strive to tame the beast.

My friends,
Real friends,
The ones who’ve shown up,
In my moment of need,
Have reminded me of Aesop,
A hare, the rabbit, loosing,
To a tortoise, that knew,
The power of slow,
And I thank you,
My friends.

SDM

Kitty Play - For Cheryl

Like a delicate kitten,
New born and dependent,
I turn to the teat of these words,
Pleased as the nourish my soul,
Longing for a taste of surrender,
As my sixth sense kicks into overdrive,
Like a phoenix in flight,
Fire in the clouds,
So I whisper;
Rebirth!

SDM

In Vino Veritas

In Vino Veritas,
But no thanks,
I’m trying to cut down,
Though I do miss the sweet intoxicating velvet,
Swirling around on my palate,
Though,
In order for all parts of me,
To live in harmony,
Seizing the day,
I must gain control,
Of that little demon,
The leprechaun bastard,
So yes,
In Vino Veritas,
But not if I seek to,
Carpe Diem

SDM

Pinch Me

If I should wake,
Tomorrow;
discovering,
That while I slept,
(if only for an hour),
everything changed,
in the instant that I woke up,
there was no famine, sword or fire,
The Hounds of War,
Leashed in,
(Just barely),
tenuously hanging on,
As we embrace each other,
For the first time,
As Brother and Sisters,
Humanity,
At peace,
If I should wake in that world,
(PLEASE)
Pinch me!

Comandante SDM

First Twitter Words - P's for Robyn

Perpetual this pesky pain,
Revealed in pretty pastels,
Less like Miami,
More like Havana in the glory days,
A particular shade of me,
Constantly revealed,
Each day stronger,
Perhaps persistent I will present a poem,
Like a pancake,
The batter raw,
Just like this promising star.

SDM

Gracias Mi Havanera

Many times today,
I have had a fortuitous battle with myself,
Accepting that Cuba is where I should be,
Sitting on a beach,
Or the storied pathways of Havana's side streets,
My corazon at ease,
As with keystrokes or flicks of the wrist,
I continue to create,
With sounds of joy in the background,
Rather than the solace of my own misery,
The cancion of my own desires,
Filling up the void, that is just beyond,
Reach,
My amor for Cuba deep and faithful,
Hemingway and Che,
Propelling me to go on,
At paz with myself there I would be,
Wandering free,
Viva liberdad,
My Corazon!

Comandante SDM

An Orchestration... for Lavinia

In concerto,
A full orchestration,
The sounds of the strings, when perfect,
Are tangy,
And tug at my heartstrings,
Like the first kiss,
Of a love born in spring.

The glorious sounds,
Of a perfectly struck chord,
On a violin or viola,
Is music to my soul?
A wispy celebration of the surreal.

And then deafening,
Shattering such serenity,
The horns pounce,
Trumpets flailing,
Like my spirit at present,
As if Miles Davis,
Sans quartet,
Demanded my attention.

In concerto,
In one perfect orchestration,
Like the Brandenburg,
I know the twang, the pounce, the wispy and the sharp,
As I know the very blood flowing through these tired veins.

SDM

Nourish

At war with myself,
My psyche a fragile prisoner,
Of something that is outside the realm of what I’ve known,
No understanding,
For in this world,
What is truly to be understood?
Lies and deceit,
Conceit and ego,
Like a humid august afternoon,
Slap.

Yet,
I have no more room to delay,
As my life,
Is only lived once,
And I must grab it,
And let go,
Shoot for the moon,
Not one shot,
But many.

In a self imposed cell,
I reminisce about days gone by,
When alcohol and cigarettes,
Where friends,
But no more,
As I abandon all hope,
That self medication works.

Now,
I and I must champion I,
Liberate myself, alleviate my fears;
Hold fast to character and integrity,
Lose the parts of me,
That need not be found,
So I can nourish,
Gently,
This talent,
No longer hiding,
So all the world can see.

SDM

Havana Beckons

As I sit here,
Doing the only thing that makes any sense to me,
I refuse to block or repress my emotions, as I strive to be honest with myself,
About this hellish brute of a lapse,
The only resourcefulness I have,
Is to retreat,
Or is it advance,
As I way with the furious tides,
I picture a tree,
A willow,
From my childhood,
Upon which I used to sit and think,
And now I stare into the void,
Of a concrete jungle,
That offers me no hope,
Longing to be with Hemingway,
Havana beckons,
trading this grey mess,
for a civilized people
And I must submit.

SDM

Ego Game

“It’s all a game,”,
the rabbit gleefully announces,
as the wolf attempts to pounce;
“I spy with my little eye”, says the wolf,
filled with bravado missing his feast,
“Ah the ego has led you astray,” says the rabbit,
as she bounces out of reach yet again.

SDM

Shame

How long can we continue to rape the planet?
Treat the Amazon like a Costco size Cottonelle?
Deforestation slowly choking us all and for what,
Toilet paper or McDonald’s Beef?
In the manifestations of profit,
It is a shame,
National and international,
That we know what to do,
And what do we do instead;

Jump in the car,
Head to Costco,
And buy ten more pounds of crap we don’t need,
Smart!

SDM

Porous Monkey

Why would anyone drink Diet Coke?
I mean I know why… but it seems like eating wheat grass or an Aspen leaf,
It might be good for you, but where’s the fun in that?
Of course I’m a skinny monkey,
“Get it Mon – key”
Free to eat, drink and do whatever I want,
At least for now!
Who knows,
Maybe someday my metabolism won’t be so porous???

SDM

In that Pasture

Put me out to pasture,
Near to the Gooseberries patches
Watch how I thrive,
My head above the clouds,
As I touch the hand of Zeus,
Reaching for the Jersey shore,
Closer to my lover,
Still my sadness reigns,
As I consider possibility,
But not,
In that pasture.

SDM

Grain of Sand

Grappling,
Not quite sure if up is up,
And if I’m on it,
Dreaming of a far away beach,
Where I can be me,
Watch the kite surfers,
And record their wind,
In words,
Biking back to my shack,
Acknowledging Buddha’s embrace,
Seeking Zen,
My scarred emotions,
Revealed inelegantly,
Like a Thai kick boxing match,
Ouch!

SDM

As Destiny Intended

Like Frost,
The road less travelled,
Did I take,
But I fear,
I took the wrong road,
Following a trail to my own discontent,
Running away from myself,
Trying to be everything for everybody,
The result;
Nothing for me.

No more can I follow,
The path I’ve walked,
Ignoring a talent so raw,
That in its refinement,
I will find comfort,
A peaceful warrior poet,
Emerging daily,
Five words at a time.

My grief,
Sheer and antagonizing,
Holding me in the despair,
As I consider what I lost,
In the time I’ve wasted.

As I heal,
I know that I can,
I know that I will,
I know that you will,
Soar with me,
As I finally take flight,
As destiny intended.

SDM

If

If Rodin was here,
I would ask him to sculpt me,
So I could see myself,
Through his eyes.

If I were a canvas,
Painted by Rockwell’s hand,
Would he see the torment,
And capture the suffering in my eyes?

If I could be a song,
It would be Happy Birthday,
So I could celebrate everyday.

If I were a poem,
Would a Captain, My Captain I be,
Or Still I rise,
The Body Electric,
Or Sonnet 51?

If I were a dream,
I would be me,
Finally,
Standing proud,
For all to see.

SDM

The Moment I Saw Her

The moment I saw her,
My life changed,
As I recognized,
Irrationally,
That without even knowing her name,
I had seen my wife.

In that realization,
I approached the bar,
Asked three questions,
And the rest is,
As the say,
History.

Our love found,
In a darkened room in Toronto,
Though our souls had always known,
Each other,
Transcending the physical universe,
Entering the spiritual divine.

My passion unyielding,
Evermore,
Knowing that Sender loves Charmaine,
And vice versa,
Requited,
For the first time in my life.

SDM

Crazy Diamond

In the shadow of giants,
Pink Floyd urging me on,
Shine on,
I a crazy diamond,
So clearly in the rough,
Waiting for a beast,
To shoot out of my belly button,
To explain this pain surreal,
As my fury bubbles over,
I give way to serenity,
My body heats up,
To counter the cold and calculated schemes,
Of a demon beckons,
And with smiles,
I will,
Dismiss him.

SDM

Balor's Bargain

At the crossroads,
Like Robert Johnson,
My delta blues,
Ad the devil at my back,
Balor grasping at my heart,
Though I resist,
You will not win, as I blush at the thought,
Of your demise.

Such a spectacle,
This must be,
For those of you on the outside,
Looking in,
See the monkey type,
Reveal his soul,
With insight and clarity,
If you’ll see it.

At the crossroads,
My soul is not for sale,
No Bargain like Johnson’s,
Except for the right price,
And I assure you,
None can afford it.

Pangs of guilt,
As I plead,
For a saffron moon,
The one that lit the way,
To my deliverance,
All those years ago.

SDM

Once Someone Said

Someone once said,
It is easier to destroy than to create;

I disagree fervently!

Someone once told me to consume;
Creature comforts would make me feel good…

They lied!

Someone once called me a friend;
If that is friendship…

I would rather embrace an enemy!

Someone once said to me;
I could trust them…

History has proven otherwise!

Longing to engage my genius,
Not an ego statement…

I ponder the meaning of inner peace, as I am ripped;
Into too many pieces to count!

SDM

A Sheep in Tigers Clothing

Like the Berlin Wall,
I have come crashing down.

In Havana,
My soul is content,
And I wish to speak with Hemingway;

He would understand!

Czeslaw Niemen,
Begging me back to Poland,
Bialogard’s simplicity and hope.

Not yet having seen,
Bratislava,
I know I would lap in its beauty,
And its pain.

Barcelona,
Oh Barcelona,
I and I unfinished,
Like Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia,
A work in progress.

A sheep in tigers clothing,
I participate,
In my own rebirth.

SDM

Its Own Lolita

My mind;
Its own Lolita,
Tempting,
But I must resist.

The sky,
A crimson glow,
Red and yellow hue,
Lighting up my soul,
A lantern to guide my way.

Standing emotionally nude,
Before you all,
As I struggle to find,
Peace of mind.

My mind;
Its own Lolita,
And these words,
My candy.

SDM

At Your Service - For Havanera

I am a servant,
Your servant,
Anxious to ensure that in your service,
I can somehow enlighten you,
Should you choose it;

I am a servant,
Your servant,
It is my pleasure to hopefully open your eyes,
Your hearts and your minds,
So that as friends together,
We may heal the planet.

I am a servant,
Your servant,
A man of peace,
But only one man,
Come to call spades spades,
And reveal the tyranny of evil,
Wherever it may be.

I am a servant,
Your servant,
Seeking justice for all,
Not just the few,
Who can afford it.

I am a servant,
Your servant,
Come to reveal the power of love,
The power of you,
To make a change,
Today,
With only a thought.

As your servant,
It is my great joy,
And through my service,
I heal my wounds,
I am your servant.

SDM

For JF - Just One Hour

A friend advises,
That I imbibe,
A glass of chamomile,
The soothing tea,
An effort to sooth my soul,
In absolute silence,
I long for sleep,
But Balor beckons,
And I am,
Bound for fears,
And wishing for just an hour,
Of uninterrupted rest.

SDM

For Havanera - The Lonely Wade

It is ubiquitous,
It recedes and grows,
Wanes and flows,
The harder I fight,
The less I can surrender.

Attempting to stone the devil,
His name Baler,
Send him alone,
Without me,
Back to hell.

My tender soul,
With so much life yet to live,
Fighting for its own survival,
Desperately lonely,
As I wade through this lonely time.

No longer stoned,
No longer running away,
Instead now running en route to,
A life less pained,
Throwing a brick,
Through the window to I,
Shattered.

Anonymous voices,
That I dare not listen to,
Throw me in every direction,
Longing for sanity to return,
As I have begun,
Loving all parts of I.

Feeling like worn leather,
Transfixed by the unusual process,
That will turn these purple bruises,
To words of love and joy,
Revealing suffering and my egos avarice,
Though I know, now, I have no choice,
Survival the name of the game.

Weird the course I am on,
As I bleach all negativity,
Cleaning myself of my steadfast upset,
As I return that to myself,
Which I have always desired.

Wondering in my painful isolation,
Fuck,
When will this end.

SDM

Morning Unease - For ALM

Up before sunrise,
The streets singing their gruesome tale,
As wetted by an early rain,
The cars punish the road.

Seeking balance,
I attempt meditation,
Envisioning a bee,
Master of its flowery domain.

Unfortunately,
From the attack of Balor,
My vibrations are unkind,
And I cannot find,
Stillness.

SDM

Gentle Frog - ALM

Gentle Frog,
Your pungent fragrance,
Juxtaposed,
With your vivacious spirit,
Still,
With you I would like to jump,
Life much simpler,
With one big breath,
A bigger leap,
Gentle Frog!

SDM

Balor

A Celtic demon,
Balor,
Descended upon me,
And tore my strength,
Placing them at the four corners of the earth,
Approaching with masked intent,
His sole desire,
To break me down,
Consume me with fire,
Trying to resist,
My mind seemed bored,
Unable to hold back,
The fury of the little devil,
And turned me into a liar,
Drenched to the bone,
With sweat and fear,
I seek dryer ground,
Where I can reassemble,
The many pieces,
Of I.

SDM

In Place of Blood

In place of blood,
Words stain this page,
Giving in to temptations,
Self-loathing and doubt,
My subconscious maliciously ripping at my soul,
Crippling fear.

Words my only escape,
And yet a prison too,
For caught in time,
A moment that is unrelenting.

Escaping words,
Flowing like the Nile,
As I surrender,
To a pain more awful than any before,
But I continue,
And will;
Eternally!

Crime and punishment,
Free and forgiving,
My parole must soon be upon me,
When I can,
Not short of breath,
Exhale this toxic thrust,
Tonight.

SDM

What more do you want?

What more do you want?
How much more can I submit?
White flag waved!

I have nothing else to give,
For my vessel is empty,
And I and I know not what you seek.

Waiting in vain,
Or so it seems,
My hurt grows and retreats.

I surrender,
Please I surrender,
Just let me go.

Let me go,
This wretched pain,
You will not win!

SDM

There is a Battle

There is a battle,
A herculean struggle being waged,
Where Atlas shrugs and Zeus laughs
Two different parts of myself,
At times overwhelming,
A fright so terrifically real,
That I retreat to a safe place, though there is none;

Drawing on the strength of my ancestors,
Knowing that it will pass,
In a moment, or five or next year,
It is timeless and gut wrenchingly painful,
Rationality seemingly defenseless to something unreal.

How can that be?
How can it be,
That the imaginary,
Can fill me with such a fright,
That I become paralyzed?

How can it be,
That in manic sanity,
Insanity creeps beneath the door,
Battles the fortress of I,
Leaving me weak,
Confused,
Terrified?

There is a battle,
That leaves me on the field,
In fetal position, begging for it to end,
Moments like hours,
Hours like the universes expanse, infinite;

It’s not real,
But that is not enough,
To ward off clinging demons,
Monstrously menacing,
And in an instant,
Though they leave,
A seeping wound,
Is left,
To pick up the pieces,
There is a battle and I will emerge;
Victorious.

SDM

The Curtains

The Curtains

Brown,
They reflect back the suns rays,
As I seek comfort,
And protection,
From the veil that they mask,
As inside,
I shake,
Without the benefit of rattle and roll,
Shaken to the core,
Brown,
As tones and hue,
Reveal to me,
That all I need do,
Is breath?
Relax,
And grasp the comfort,
Of the veil.

SDM

Purge

Fear,
The rational and irrational fighting inside me,
So afraid that tears well up in my eyes,
And my body trembles uncontrollably,
Anxiety almost unbearable,
Fear,
No ying and yang,
It is so real,
And yet I know it is not,
Unreal
Petrified,
And unable to face it,
So I reach out and ask,
Please help,
And eventually,
Like now,
It subsides,
Real fear,
To the bone,
Leaving me shaken.

SDM

Note to Self

Stop beating yourself up,
Never, never, never, stop writing,
Be free,
In this written paradise,
Climb the highest mountain and proclaim,
I am worth every syllable,
Every consonant,
Every vowel,
be who you are and find stillness,
Escape into the luscious fragments of your mind,
And understand,
That as Douglass said;
“Let no man pull you so low as to hate him,”
As true of others,
As it is for yourself,
No more self-loathing,
No more destruction of that which is beautiful,
Be who you are,
Note to self,
And what you are,
Is what you believe,
A writer,
Evermore.

SDM

Blessed to Know Love Requited

I have been blessed to know a love true,
That has seen me constantly struggle,
And without equivocation,
Has stood by me,
When all seemed lost,
Forcing me to acknowledge,
All that I have to offer,
Even when I am too blind, stubborn or stupid to see.

I can close my eyes,
And transcend space and time,
Though distance separates us,
Our souls are mingling through the ages,
And constantly brought back,
To each other.

My sweetest love,
For whom I continue to endure,
For whom I keep going,
For whom I have always known,
A love that I was born to give and receive.

She stands by me,
Day and night,
Watching as I continue,
A work in progress,
A love that pulls understanding,
Where there is none,
And beckons me to greatness,
And I her.

I know a love true,
That bears witness,
And holds in the highest esteem,
Charity, hope, love and faith,
Her virtue uncompromising,
And her truest beauty,
Far beyond,
In her souls fire.

I know a love true,
And for her,
I submit,
A love requited,
Together forever,
And beyond,
And her name,
The sweetest I have ever known,
Charmaine!
And I love her so...

SDM

SB - Illuminating Struggle

Probing through the many parts of me,
Those leave me speculating as to where exactly,
I fell off the rails,
Hoping to discover that missing piece,
That completes this transition.

Longing to change,
My current state,
I have embraced each of you,
As the pillars of strength,
That will free me from this burden,
A hellish nightmare I yearn to end.

In a lifetime of frustration,
On each end,
A storied story,
Of a man who longs to find,
I.

To my surprise,
When I let go,
Of those destructive forces,
That had taken hold of I,
The universe replied,
In vibrant tones,
Of love, faith, honour and hope.

Waiting for the laughter to return,
I honour each of you,
For honouring me,
In my hour of need,
One stanza at a time.

SDM

Grumpy Cat

Slyly,
The Cheshire Cat grins at me,
So real that I can touch him,
But I resist his foul temptation,
As I smile in return,
Much to his chagrin,
I find the strength,
To be joyous and calm,
As the monumental and stupendous struggle,
Reveals the resonance of a soul searching.
Ever more.

SDM

For My Passionate Friend - Lucy

The punishing sound of my own silence,
Is broken with the lulling and sweet caress of Bach,
Melodically begging me to become the master creator of my own Air on the G,
That in this music I may find some answers,
And the opportunity to resist my demons.

In that search,
Though difficult, I know,
That I must be willing to accept my souls forgiveness,
For my retreat into a private hell.

As all around,
Angels appear at moments surreal and palpable,
Revealing a gentleness that I never imagined,
I was worthy of.

My passions are these words,
A passion that does not subside,
A passion that I cannot resist,
It is futile,
For it is my driving life force,
Words.

Love has presented,
Signed, sealed, and delivered,
By my closest friends,
To whom I have begged for the strength,
To carry on,
And each day I realize,
All the love I have to give and more.

SDM

My Resolve for SJM

A swollen brook flows,
As I tolerate my own indifference,
To the depression that wrenches my soul,
My despise giving way to love,
And surrender.

As I oil my mind,
Lubricating the invention,
More correctly the rebirth,
Of my own ascension,
I will be…

To feel as if a handsaw,
Had hacked my insides,
Leaving no bruises,
But the scars so very real,
That none can see,
I push on.

As I forage my own intentions,
I discover the resilience of alfalfa,
Its tender shoots,
The fibers that allow me,
To grow,
Spiritually.

With seething anger,
My face turns red,
As I consider the past,
But I know,
That my future will be my resolve.

SDM

My Humble Thanks!

Finally,
Coming into my own,
And all I had to do – was give in,
Which is not nearly the same as giving up,
By giving in I have discovered,
That the parts of me that are broken,
Are merely callings to reassemble?
The jigsaw of my reality,
Giving in,
I found,
Who my real friends are,
The ones that stand by me,
When I am down,
Feeding me with endless nourishment,
Of wisdom, enthusiasm, a gentle caress,
Of two spirits,
That dance like a kite,
Free to fly,
To explore,
Roaming together in the uncertainty,
And arriving,
At what was always there,
Just deep inside,
Finally,
Letting go,
Surrendering,
I have discovered,
That the parts of I,
That for so long had been counted as demons unconquerable,
Were merely signposts on the journey of life?
That at one time either too blind or too ignorant,
I could not or would not,
Engage,
Well today I stand up,
I will be heard,
I will be counted,
I will celebrate the totality of who I am,
And in so doing,
Gain insight into what it means to truly live,
And my friends,
My real friends,
Stand by my side,
At the ready,
To, if necessary, again,
Pick me up,
Deliver me the tools for my own reassembling,
And I am humbled by it,
For as tears of joy,
Stream down my face,
Calling out to the ether,
I know, that I am close,
And that I can feel,
These emotions raw,
But must use them,
To propel me forward,
To the place we all know I should be,
Humbled,
Grateful,
And aware,
I celebrate each of you,
Who know who you are,
For causing me to realize,
That my journey had to include this moment,
To reignite that passion that burns so brightly inside of me,
My only hope,
Is that I too,
Can repay your generosity of spirit,
By being who I am,
And returning to you,
The same generosity,
When you are at your lowest –

I stand before you anew,
Understanding how far I’ve come,
And how far I still must go,
But I draw strength from you,
Demonstrated here,
With humble thanks,
These words are all I can give,
For all of you have given me permission,
To soar.

SDM

Easter Dinner

Coming out my shell,
I allowed myself,
If only for a moment,
To shine,
Letting go of everything,
Though difficult,
I was able,
For a few hours,
To speak comfortably,
To control my anxiety,
And make new friends.

Coming out of my shell,
I could feel,
Something I hadn’t felt in a while,
That tender and soothing calm,
And belly laughs result,
In a room of virtual strangers,
Embracing me,
Conversation freely flowing,
From politics, to religion, to creativity,
And to what I hope to be,
And what so clearly I am,
My willingness to play,
Rewarded by their admiration.

New allies,
Letting me know,
And confirming,
That what I am is a writer,
And they,
Sharing in the joy,
That I so easily expressed,
As they asked,
About my journey,
And longed to see all sides of me.

Today in reflection,
I realize that dinner with friends,
Is more than just dinner,
It is a celebration of life,
And even in the deepest hell of depression,
A kind word,
An open heart,
And a welcoming home,
Can give,
Albeit temporarily,
A real comfort,
And allowances that it is okay to be,
I.

SDM

Landslide

Caught in a landslide,
To determine my fate,
I start to unwind,
And accept that what must be must be,
Learning more each day,
I plot a destiny,
That includes more joy than sorrow,
More laughter than tears,
Recognizing that the universe laughs,
At best laid plans,
Yet still I press on,
Marching to the beat of my depressions drum,
Longing for that sweet innocence,
That escaped me in my youth,
Holding on to that bargain for self,
Just long enough to expose,
A diamond from coal,
Or a river a glacier,
This process,
In which I seek to demonstrate my own self worth,
Again,
Is a searing pain,
That will return,
I to I,
Filled with love, life, and surrender,
The more I give in,
The more the universe rewards me,
For being,
Me.

SDM

Stumble Leta (Or as we say Next Level)

Somber,
As I remember a life deluded,
Where the bottom of a bottle,
Was the answer to my problems,
The Scotch,
Three fingers at a time,
Falling down,
Not drunk just numb,
Constant,
Scotch,
Somber,
Angry,
Tormented,
In an emotional duck and cover,
As I search for the semblance of me,
That I might know,
That I might feel,
That I might surrender,
That I might know,
And yet,
All I know,
Is all I have not known,
That all I have not known,
Is what I am yet to become,
How to search for that which cannot be found,
Unless you release,
Unless I release,
Of course you being more easy than I,
Hence my constant rush toward you,
Rather than I,
Should this have been easy,
Should I not know how discovered,
The provenance of my true life work,
I could not understand,
That my soul,
My mind,
My body and my surrender,
Could not be unpeeled,
Like an onion,
Layered,
Tears concealing,
What I have always known,
My rusted exterior,
Need only be polished,
Dropped…
So I can stand upright,
Polished,
Debonair,
And suave.

SDM

For CMO - With love and thanks

Do you hear voices?
No really, the voices,
Do you hear them?
So I am alone,
Searching for something,
In the tortuous whispers,
Of Aries, Mars and Zeus,
Taking hold of my soul,
And demanding that I honour them;
Honour them,
Honour them,
The Gaul,
As they have not honoured me,
Instead,
They have caused my souls regression,
To a point,
That it had become unrecognizable,
Even to me,
Honour them,
Honour them.
As I seek they hide,
As I hide they seek,
But what and why,
Is less clear that how and when,
Honour them,
Shall I surrender to that which does not allow me any solace,
As in the shadows lurking,
I see in them the dark of I,
The true unreal and unreal true,
Holding fast to what I am,
Honour bound,
And duty found,
Honour them,
But how,
When in the cold romanticism,
All I desire is to be cuddled by the light.

SDM

For CM - With Love and Thanks

I’m no Chihuahua,
My bark is just as big as my bite,
Unfortunately for my own realizations,
That bite has clipped me,
Unreasonably,
However,
As I seek to illuminate my own existence,
A chandelier fulfills my greatest desires,
As crystals reveal to me,
A prism of opportunity,
Swollen and retreating,
Like a grape longing to be a raisin,
I will allow myself,
The strength,
That I know is still inside,
Requiring nothing more than a little fluffy love,
And a kiss from the sunshine,
I will run,
To become,
What you know,
I was meant to be.

SDM

For GM - With Thanks

Deep in sleepy thoughts of a life I’ve left behind,
Realizing that running from myself,
Only thrust me further into a pit,
The bowels of hell where Cerberus prevented my escape,
From which I could not emerge without all of you,
Those who take the time,
To celebrate life,
And help return me to I,
Regrets mount,
And reveal so much more than I thought possible,
Clearly illustrating that the way to I,
Is by embracing me,
Long a dreamer,
Longer afraid to allow those dreams to unfold,
Again running away from,
Rather than to,
But now,
As I sit here contemplative,
I know that all will shine brighter than the sun,
Unleashing a torment that is passion filled,
So long as I take the time,
To fully engage,
In my dreams,
with the conviction and strength I draw,
from you!

SDM

Lunch with ALM

My mind had become numb,
Undone by years of an active brain,
That would stretch far and wide,
Considering the iniquity of the world,
And the Devilish nature of humanity,
Its ability to destroy more easily than to create,
Its unstated but practiced desire to ensure the rights of one over another,
By force, if necessary,
My empathy taking hold of my shattered soul,
And punishing me in ways that I never thought possible,
Tirelessly investigating everything that had gone wrong with the world,
I completely lost sight of what was right,
And then in a brilliant flash,
My mind escaped me,
In order to protect me from myself,
It refused to allow me to eat myself from the inside out,
It begged me to forgive myself,
To forgive those around me,
Forgive the world its faults,
And if I did not,
It would punish me,
By ceasing to be the great gift it had always been,
Vanishing into measured insanity,
Taking a snap shot and a full accounting of I,
A picture perfect photo of what to do as vivid as a Klimt’s Kiss,
I closed my eyes,
And the world vanished,
Leaving only I,
To rebuild from a nostalgia of five senses,
None more powerful than the aroma that sent my mind into a less than subtle tango,
Graceful and pronounced,
Proud and free,
Powerful in stride,
Returning to self,
Refusing to hide,
Accepting what is, was and will be,
Instantly.

SDM

My Rebirth with ALM's words

My birth started in motion,
A series of events,
That have led me to this moment,
The year was 1975,
At the height of winter,
Just after a new year had begun,
Gratefully I acknowledge,
The sheer power my parents gave me, in that moment,
That first they said:
“We will call him, Sender”
My name is at the core of who I am,
A Yiddish name,
Born of Alexander,
The name of Kings of Scotland, Poland and Yugoslavia,
I grew up a challenged boy,
My soul torn in different directions,
Blessed with a beautiful mind,
At every step,
Despite the curse,
Choosing life,
Yet now,
I embrace my name in a way I could not,
Had I not experienced an emotional death,
Only to discover rebirth of self,
Out of sheer agony and pain,
I am Sender,
And I was reborn,
Today.

SDM

From Step Mothers Love

The truth will set you free,
Says the idealist young man,
Trapped inside the mind of the ancients,
A dichotomy,
Only half visible,
That one so young,
Could exist so old,
In a common vernacular,
Which reveals in itself,
As bargaining for peace of mind.

SDM