Wordplay 3

Moving through this depressive stage,
At a snails pace,
It is easy to allow the confrontation of self,
To derail an otherwise sane moment,
Though I know,
It is from these moments that I must build,
A life that I can lead,
Where personal truth,
Triumphantly proclaims,
I am I,
Drinking an elixir,
Concocted from the fallen tears of Angels,
My mind wanders,
Like a nomadic Bulgarian tribe,
In search of safer shores,
Lush and resplendent,
Like a coniferous tree,
In its spring best,
Though for now,
I must relent,
Sitting in an asphalt jungle,
With questions,
Ever mounting,
Answers to follow like the seasons,
But for now,
Content in the search.

SDM

Wordplay 2

The telephone rings,
Incessantly,
And a creeping suspicion crawls into my thoughts,
Slowly like a caterpillar looking for a leaf,
Or perhaps like Alices’ friend beckoning a reckoning;
“Who are you?”

In an attempt to answer,
I stand by the window,
Looking out grimly,
Onto the cars as they pass by,
Knowing that the epic struggle,
Between two parts of me,
Will one day,
Come to a resolution,
That now evades.

Sitting silent and restless,
I purge my soul,
Through these simple words,
Looking for answers,
From somewhere in my strike zone,
Rounding the bases of my thoughts,
In this cosmic baseball game,
that sees me in the bottom of the third,
or so I hope.

Soaring through cosmos,
I reflect on these trying times,
With an open heart,
And a tortured soul,
Knowing that brown,
Is the new black,
And I,
Am the old new me.,
Shedding my cocoon,
A butterfly I will be.

SDM

Wordplay 1 March 27

In a wild twist of fate, I have returned,
To that which for reasons unknown I had abandoned,
In a search for self,
That rattles me to the core of my identity;
Who am I?

Free to explore the depths of myself,
I refuse to allow the niggardly understanding of me,
To hold me back in this moment of need,
Coming to a point that beckons, requires,
Indeed propels me forward in these words I write.

Perhaps to some it would seem the folly of a narcissist,
Filled with speculations and conjectures,
That don’t ring true,
But I’ve come to realize that when all is stripped away,
All that is left,
Is the shell of me,
A vessel,
Which I determine how to fill,
And become one with myself again.

My voice once distinct,
Seems to elude me at present,
Though I will continue,
Five words at a time,
Striving to find within,
This stream of consciousness,
That voice distinctive,
Which served me so well for all my years.

On beautiful wings,
Lady Serendipity,
Hovers near me,
As I press on,
Toward a life I know I am meant to live,
But struggle to figure out exactly how,
For now,
One word, one phrase, one stanza,
At a time.

SHOUT OUT!

I stand before you naked and raw,
A vessel to be filled,
Longing for some unattainable answer,
That sends me deeper within myself,
My soul bleeding,
From a million little paper cuts,
Ravaged by time,
Beat down yet determined,
To find that strength,
To not give in,
For to do so would be to let ‘them’ win.

I stand before you raw,
My emotions flowing over,
An empty cup,
Desiring nothing more than to understand,
These feelings that sucker punch me,
More powerful than every punch Tyson ever threw,
On a precipice of something new,
And undefined,
So as I search,
I become,
One day a time,
Stronger than I was the day before...maybe.

I stand before you naked,
Once a man,
Or so I thought,
Though now I realize I am but a boy,
Stuck in a mans body,
Cleverly disguised as an adult,
All of you fooled,
But not me.

I stand before you,
Unmasked,
Yearning for something,
That I can’t quite put my finger on,
And even if I could,
Would I?

Here I stand.
As if on Everest,
Aching for one last breath,
Before reaching the summit,
Of my own realizations,
Flooding my consciousness,
With another paper cut,
As questions mount,
And no answers are to be found… as I approach my seventh pint…
Leaking,
My veins with no more to give.

Standing before you,
I shout out,
I beg for your forgiveness,
Acceptance of me,
Acknowledging my faults,
And seeing through them,
To get at the core of my identity,
That you might relate,
With this struggle internal,
That has grown ever louder,
With each day I wake up,
Pondering, wandering, squandering,
All that I was, All that I am, All that I will be,
The only recourse,
These words,
That flow from me as sure as,
The water of life from the Himalayan peaks,
My lifeblood,
With each new cut,
Splattered on this page,
So…

I SHOUT OUT!

SDM

Wordplay 2

Documenting my own fragility and the reason of my spirit to bring me to a place that I can at once reveal to myself the truth and the darkness that caused me to break I can smile gently as I know that in this process I can become – that which I have always known I am.

Through this exploration I know that I will encounter harsh realities that I have kept at bay for years through destructive self medication, one sip or sniff or toke at a time, all the while knowing that in their safety I could hide without addressing that which needs addressing, I will become more comfortable with all concepts of self, to rebuild once and for all, the me that needs to shine. The me that needs to be not what others want or expect but the me that I have known since early on I was born to be.

Elaborating on the gut wrenching feelings that are buried deep within I begin to understand that the fabric of me is far more complex than even I realize. That the battle for self has really become a battle for survival on my own terms. Unmasking the dark solitude of my own scorn I know that I need to let go for if I do not I will fall victim to my own vitriol, my own self deprecation, my own darkness that can just as easily become the driving force that leads me to the light.

Curious why I allowed myself to get so low that I almost gave in I now attempt to rebuild the life that I want to live, allowing feelings to run through my veins just as easily as a shot of scotch, feelings that I had run from, as now I run toward them. There are no answers here just questions that mount the frame of my own existence. Through these words I am left to determine my own fate and become the master of my own manifest destiny.

Discovery of self or more accurately a rediscovery of self has caused me to reach out to loved ones far and near to gain the support structures that I need as readily as a building a foundation and load bearing columns. I know that this process will ultimately aid in my own designs for a future that only a scant few weeks ago seemed so uncertain and though not at peace I am comfortable (marginally so) with this struggle to determine where I can be me and know that every day the minor victories lead to the ultimate triumph of self.

SDM

Wordplay 1 March 26

If I wasn’t so scared, at the moment,
I would choose to fly far away from here,
To a place where in harmony Mother Earth,
Presents her case each day,
To the willing masses,
Those seek redemption,
From her grace.

If I wasn’t scared,
I would jump the first airplane to anywhere,
Far from here,
Not just to get away,
But instead to seek what seems missing,
That piece of myself,
That no longer wants to hide in the shadows.

If I wasn’t scared,
I would allow myself the safety of a laugh,
Shared with the universe,
As God does not play dice,
And laughs at our plans.

If I wasn’t so scared,
I would climb a tree as high as I could,
So that I could touch the sky like a bird,
And be closer to the truth,
Reaching for the stars,
And escaping the black hole of my own despair.

If I wasn’t so scared,
I would refuse to allow my fears, redundant,
To hold me in a place that is less than where I long to be,
I would jump,
Head first,
Into the awaiting reality,
That has beckoned me from birth,
Like a processional hymn beckons a priest,
To deliver insight,
Into that which seems so dark,
And compels us to the light.

If I wasn’t so scared, I might,
Just might,
Be able to move beyond my current state,
To discover,
All of me,
As I have been meant to be,
Since birth…

SDM

Broken

I’ve been living less than life,
Or so it seems,
Holding on to fears that haunt,
Penetrating my soul,
Like armor piercing bullets,
Constantly considering the fate of me,
Without understanding that the whole is not the sum of its parts,
Running from the truth,
That has been obvious and consistent,
Since the day I was born,
Revealed more fully,
The day I first picked up a book,
And found enlightenment,
Deepened the day I took up a pen and a pad,
And started exploring the feelings that are the whole and sum of me.

Deep within,
A fire burned relentlessly,
And I ran from it,
Daily,
As my own gray matter,
Was shaded black and white,
And would not let me go,
To a place that none should go,
And so here I stand,
Still,
Searching for that same courage,
Of the first time I put in words,
Feelings that were like gapping wounds,
And the pen was my band-aid.

I’ve been living less than life,
Constantly fearing,
The feelings nearing,
The centre of me,
Like the eye of the storm,
Quiet for a moment,
Before the relentless torment,
Stretches me thin,
To a point that even I cannot deny,
And then in a moment of clarity,
My eyes are opened,
To reality.

Deep within,
The encyclopedia of me,
Is writing new entries,
In a life renewed,
Battling with myself,
For myself,
To be myself,
Torn apart at the seams,
I again write reams,
Of a life renewed,
But still longing,
For that sense of self,
That depends on nothing more,
Than the words,
The words that have always been,
The fiefdom,
Where I know,
All will… eventually, be ok.

I’ve been living less than life,
Though to those who know,
I have struggled,
Banging my head against the wall,
With each and every step,
Until now,
Where broken,
I can rebuild myself in the image of me,
And long for nothing more,
Than the freedom to be,
What I know I have always been…

SDM

I’m High…

I’m high…
Like I could never imagine,
Blazing trails through my own consciousness,
Trying to find some enlightenment,
While fleeting memories of a me that is no longer there,
Fades into a quiet corner,
Where my screams are deafening,
Yet you can’t hear them.

I’m high…
As a bird in flight,
Free from the clutter of collusion,
Lies and deceit,
Tearing at my dreams,
As I take hold of something that was lost for so long,
Myself.

I’m high…
On a drug that every dealer,
On every corner,
Would kill to have,
LIFE.

I’m high…
As I try to penetrate my own fortress,
Breaking down the barriers,
Those have been put up in defense of me,
That no longer serve my destiny,
Thus revealing a world that for so long,
Has seemed alien to me,
As I grapple with a sense of self,
Diminished,
By continuous rejection,
And the sounds of silence.

I’m high…
Trying to reveal myself to me,
Nosce Te Ipsum,
My own Oracle at Delphi,
Softly whispering,
That all will be ok,
And that true freedom is right around the corner,
And that all I need do is accept my fate,
As designed,
By me…

I’m high… high I am,
Writing through this pain that cuts like a trench,
Through the landscape of a life of pain,
Constantly working toward something,
Though not knowing what it is,
And then,
As if the universe rewards my confusion,
Others arrive,
To let me know,
That I can be free,
I can be high,
I can be me,
And all I have to do,
Is let go,
Have faith,
And soar,
As I am meant to…

I’m high…
As the fragments of me,
That so coldly beat me into oblivion,
Are reassembling,
At the waypoint,
Of my own desire,
To become,
To be,
To thrive,
On what is right,
ME.

SDM

TPECSHFZA6HG

When…

I can’t take it anymore… the lies, the open deceit,
Perpetrated against us by our leaders,
By our media outlets,
Propagated and taught in our schools – colleges and universities and I’m left scratching my head,
Wondering at first alone,
And now aloud,
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP???

Believe me,
There is no amount of coffee smelling that will assist
To this solemn reality,
There is a war being waged,
AGAINST YOU,
Against all that our founding fathers held dear,
And up until very recently beyond reproach,
An intergenerational tyranny;
Our form of government,
Our very freedom is under attack,
And not by Al – Qaeda,
Nor the IRA, ETA or the Taliban,
Our own institutions are being used against us,
19% at a time
And with the stroke of a pen you and I have no recourse,
Caffeine hitting you yet?

When are you going to realize that everything that you hold dear,
Is a lie,
Fabricated by men in ivory towers,
The same military industrial complex that Eisenhower warned against,
Save that now it is in control,
War is business,
Business is profit,
Lies…
Constantly,
Free market and democracy,
Have you been paying attention?

What free market?
Where?
Governments around the world,
Shortsighted and filled with green in their eyes,
Deregulated almost every sector of the economy,
And those hawks,
Both military and corporate,
Far and wide,
Took governments to the cleaners,
Wall Street rejoiced,
As governments too blind, too stupid or just plain shorting us all,
Gave way to the almighty dollar,
One credit default swap and foreclosure at a time.

Like Gecko said,
Greed is Good,
And he said so from his Ivory Tower,
And now history,
As always repeats itself,
Because we,
The ones with the real power,
Pay no attention to the real machinations,
That keep us comfortable,
And dumb as mules,
Hi ho hi ho its off to work we go,
And yet we are paid,
In real dollars less than we would have been paid in 1985,
And yet our productivity has gone through the roof, up almost 50%
Making millions, billions and trillions,
For people that don’t need it…
And have no intention of sharing (let alone caring).

So I ask you,
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SMELL JUAN VALDEZ,
Participate, while you can,
For soon our choices,
Our freedoms,
Our comfy way of life,
Will be assaulted again,
As if it never stopped…
And believe me, it didn’t,
It’s okay though, change the channel… Isn’t Survivor on?
McLuhan screaming from the grave as he rolls over for the final time.

I ask you,
When is enough enough,
And when will our ideals,
Reach far and wide,
And become reality?

SDM

“What we have here… is a failure… to communicate!”

Caught in a vicious and vitriolic tailspin,
By design stupefying the masses,
Revealing little more than hyperbole and rhetoric,
And enflaming Mr and Mrs. Suburbia,
Both sides, right and left,
Proclaiming from on high,
The moral superiority,
And divine right,
Of manifest destiny.

Tailspin,
Ever more,
Main street caught in the minutiae,
Of legislative wrangling,
Kept in the dark,
Through the lens of polarization,
Tea parties with insular Madhatters,
Like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin,
Inciting more than violent thought,
Leading to shameful rocks thrown,
While the seeds of what is right,
Are destroyed.

As a Canadian,
I am proud,
Of the systems that were put in place,
By men like Tommy and Trudeau,
Designed to create a better society,
Not a utopian one,
Just better,
For we all surely,
Can constantly improve,
On the legacy of those that fought for every man, woman and child,
Regardless of class, religion or race.

As a North American,
I stand ashamed,
And vocally so,
That the polarization of left and right,
Resting on the laurels of their military might,
Wage war in lands so far from their own backyards,
Predicated on lies and deceit,
While their own citizens are dying on the street,
Surely they can do better,
As we did,
Choosing not to leave the weak behind,
For on the symbol of their great land stands tall,
Lady Liberty, proclaiming for all to see:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

The tired and poor, ever growing in the land of liberty,
The huddled masses teeming from their shores,
The homeless increase each day,
As subprime and credit default swaps impact,
Lead to TARP,
Wall Street traders and bankers,
Lining their pockets with the misery and demise of Civil Society,
For it is clear… civil society it is not.

As foreclosures continue to exponentially advance,
Those homeowners left without a chance,
Lady Liberty,
Seemingly swallowed by the Colossus,
Of the brazen few,
The 1%,
Who earn more in a minute,
Than most in ten years,
All leading me to ask:

When is it enough?
When will she live up to the promise written on her base?
When will she stop borrowing against the future,
Put an end to this intergenerational tyranny?
When I ask you?
When?

SDM

Take 3

Do you remember that moment as a child,
On a playground alive with the voices of innocence,
When you were on the swings,
And made the decision for the first time;
FUCK IT;
At the highest point of your ascent you let go of the chains,
And for the slightest of moments you were in flight?
Do you remember that moment?
How in one instant colours became more vivid,
Sounds more complex,
Your hearts soaring as for just a second you feel as if you can catch a bird by the tail
And it seemed, if only for that moment,
That the universe and you were in perfect alignment,
Until that moment,
Almost imperceptible,
That Newton’s forces of Gravity,
Took hold of you just as they had that apple,
Do you remember it? Try!

Are you willing to explore the depths of yourself,
With the same wonder and awe that you do the universe,
Peaking deep within at the complexities of your soul,
Revealing an illumination,
Each star a light post on your cosmic journey?
If so, let’s pretend!

If you will, can you remember the moment as an adolescent?
Perhaps earlier or later,
When you looked across the classroom,
At that boy or girl that stole your heart,
The butterflies in your stomach fluttering,
With the intensity of an earthquake,
The world around you shaking likes buildings,
Your heart pounding,
Like heavy artillery on Berlin,
A love so intense that you felt like pulling your hair out,
One strand at a time – Do you remember?
Every waking moment of your life consumed,
Whether deep in sleep,
Where to dream was to love,
Or awake,
When the day revealed a waking dream,
Unsure of whether up was down or down was up!

Do you remember the sting?
The biting hurt that penetrated you so deeply,
When that first love was either gloriously answered or unrequited,
And it felt as if the air was being stolen from your lungs,
As if you could not breathe,
As if life was over,
And that you were destined to be alone,
That the world was unfair and how could this be,
It had to be a mistake or some kind of trick,
Tears dropping like bombs –
Can you feel it?

Then as fast as you fell in love that first time,
And had it taken away,
The universe again reveals the complexities of your soul,
Like rainfall in the summer,
The sweet smell of the grass permeating you,
Even as you walk the sidewalks of a concrete jungle,
Your mind can only consider the sweet surrender,
Like it had during that moment on the swing,
And you find love again,
Realizing that there is no beginning, middle and end,
Only the journey,
And all the ups and downs,
Twisting and turning,
Joy and pain,
Ying and yang,
In that moment no longer like an athlete running a sprint,
But instead like a snowflake drifting to the ground,
In that realization can you jump,
Like a child,
Throwing caution to the wind,
Failing to be afraid
And instead,
Being willing to really be –
ALIVE!

SDM

Flight

Like a bird in flight or a tree in the autumn rain,
Glaciers hold a secret that we can never fully know,
A secret so powerful that it compels us,
In dreams,
Both while asleep and awake,
To summon the strength of our conviction,
Stop pulling out our hair,
Worrying about this and that,
Or keeping up with the Jones’ and searching for the perfect Prada purse,
And to STOP,
Breathe in the fresh air and the many enigmas within it,
To take that hurt and sorrow,
And keep still our worried minds.

Constantly caught off guard,
Like an over zealous athlete waiting for the starting pistol,
Desiring that perfect start,
Our spirits assuaged and assaulted,
Jarred and jaded like bombs in Berlin 1945,
Always knowing that though the earth may quake,
And that buildings may collapse,
That secret, our secret, your SECRET,
The one that reveals itself plain as each night falls,
Stars, billions of little secrets,
Singing a universal lullaby,
Just waiting for us to listen.

Our mistake,
Painted like tears on the sidewalks of every city,
Every town and village,
With no beginning, middle or end,
Is that we have yet to listen to that secret,
To acknowledge it,
Thinking we all are found,
When instead we should be wondering how did we get so lost?

Man has been anything but kind,
Failing to learn from hurt,
Save that which can hurt us most,
Love,
That wild,
Up, down,
Roller coaster ride,
That has the answer to the secret the universe is begging us to hear,
Our deepest convictions,
On this endless journey,
We do not need to be alone,
Instead,
With every movement,
We should reveal to each other,
The power,
Of love,
And its sweet little secret,
As simple as the petals of a rose,
“She/He loves me.”

SDM

Come With Us

Wow... It has been a while. I don't know why I stopped posting and in fact writing. But I have started again in large part because my wonderful fiance pushed me, yet again, in a way that only she can. For her movement class I wrote three pieces. I am going to start posting again regularly and here is the first...

Just like in the old days when people would give me words and I would write. For her movement class C gave me a lot of words that I had to incorporate into the pieces...

Come with us… on a journey of universal impact and personal reward;
Come with us as we lead you through the tales of time,
Where the rules of gravity are uprooted,
Down is up and up is down,
Glaciers retreat in slow motion,
Like teeth falling out from Mother Earth,
Replenished by the swift advance of a winters storm,
Like the rush of leaves fallen from a tree in autumn.

Come with us… on a journey unlike any other before,
Come with us as we lead you to that place beyond your comfort zone,
Together accepting that as the earth does shake, so too regimes will fold,
Buildings will collapse to the ground as surely as the Berlin Wall and Humpty came tumbling down.

Taking hurt and flying free away with us to a mental retreat,
Beyond the stars and just over yonder,
One man pulls out his hair as another pulls petals;
She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not,
In slow motion,
Ones nightmare deep the other a dream asleep.

As the song of a spring sunset fills eyes with tears,
So too is the universe filled with stars aloft in the sky,
Like gleaming athletes streaking the night,
To some human unheard starter pistol,
Demanding that we not give in or give up,
Instead calling out to us,
To you and I,
Seize the day!

Carpe diem!
Like a bird taking flight for the first time,
Or two lovers who hold each other in that first embrace,
Falling free with no beginning, middle or end,
But no mistake,
As a wise man once said;
“God does not play dice with the universe;”
nor with hearts and minds,
has the gravity of the situation, this journey, yet compelled you,
to really understand?

Bombs dropping in distant lands,
So far as to not be felt at home,
Except for the bullets,
And the daily splattering of all the news that’s fit to print,
To stupefy and indemnify,
To hurt so deep that our spirits catch a fire,
Dreaming for a release for all of a death alone;
FUCK IT!

Our mistake, collective, is believing that we are found,
When really we are lost,
Not just lost,
But lost like a stubborn husband, refusing to ask for directions,
And the sad reality is,
That as we walk the sidewalks each day,
The answer is starring us right in the face,
Eye to eye and the other just blinked;
The universe whispers like a siren song of ancient time,
Let tears flow,
Of wonder and joy,
Not fear and pain,
Allow yourself to fall,
Over and over and over again,
Just make sure to seize the day,
And rise again,
Fast and ready, to feel,
Free and alive.

SDM