Wordplay 2

Documenting my own fragility and the reason of my spirit to bring me to a place that I can at once reveal to myself the truth and the darkness that caused me to break I can smile gently as I know that in this process I can become – that which I have always known I am.

Through this exploration I know that I will encounter harsh realities that I have kept at bay for years through destructive self medication, one sip or sniff or toke at a time, all the while knowing that in their safety I could hide without addressing that which needs addressing, I will become more comfortable with all concepts of self, to rebuild once and for all, the me that needs to shine. The me that needs to be not what others want or expect but the me that I have known since early on I was born to be.

Elaborating on the gut wrenching feelings that are buried deep within I begin to understand that the fabric of me is far more complex than even I realize. That the battle for self has really become a battle for survival on my own terms. Unmasking the dark solitude of my own scorn I know that I need to let go for if I do not I will fall victim to my own vitriol, my own self deprecation, my own darkness that can just as easily become the driving force that leads me to the light.

Curious why I allowed myself to get so low that I almost gave in I now attempt to rebuild the life that I want to live, allowing feelings to run through my veins just as easily as a shot of scotch, feelings that I had run from, as now I run toward them. There are no answers here just questions that mount the frame of my own existence. Through these words I am left to determine my own fate and become the master of my own manifest destiny.

Discovery of self or more accurately a rediscovery of self has caused me to reach out to loved ones far and near to gain the support structures that I need as readily as a building a foundation and load bearing columns. I know that this process will ultimately aid in my own designs for a future that only a scant few weeks ago seemed so uncertain and though not at peace I am comfortable (marginally so) with this struggle to determine where I can be me and know that every day the minor victories lead to the ultimate triumph of self.

SDM